Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Lmbo

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this