Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

People buying plungers never look happy.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.