Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

How do dragons blow out candles?

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”