[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
こいつ天才
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I would move hell over six inches for you
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*