[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.