[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
they should create new variants of dopamine
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.