me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The chart results are in…
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.