me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Split the bill
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.