Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Goat cheese is for herders.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.