Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass