Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what