Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”