ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing