Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

*seductively corrects your posture*

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

the official breakfast of 2021

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.