Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.


At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.


HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister


Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.


The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.


My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back


my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”