@faungirl123

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

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@thedad

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

@kevinrowe1

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

@killazilla

HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister

@KenJennings

Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.

@DownFrontArtist

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

@Spaziotwat

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”