Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
You Might Also Like
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
birds and squirrels envy us
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Boating season is upon us.
Your honor these allegations are
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Gods work.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.