only 11 steps left
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”