Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Me when I’m ovulating
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?