Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
