Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
what day is it?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.