Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

no one ever comes back

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.