ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Something Saturday.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
