ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you![]()
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left