“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Netflix: We have Less
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
greetings!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins