Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

ok like just. call me at this point

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte