Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

Here’s a meme

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

*limbos away from your hug*

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis