Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

What fresh Hell is this?!?

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.