Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,