me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’