me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
This is a true ally.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV