me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
a god among men
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit