Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.