me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
bears
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
What an awful time to have common sense.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.