Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.