Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

kids play hide and seek like

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.