Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Perfect
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
