Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A man of commitment.
Best spoiler warning ever
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…