Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
