Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley