Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

concern

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting