Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money