Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Golf would be better with landmines.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this