Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.