@weinerdog4life

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

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@MarfSalvador

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

@MatCro

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@NOTVIKING

[first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery

doctor:

patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep

@NOTVIKING

chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you

me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis

@rebrafsim

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first