my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
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ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[first day as an anesthesiologist]
me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery
patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep
chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you
me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first