Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas