Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.