Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Bed should get ready for ME

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice