Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.