Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.