Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell