Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Hotels are back