Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“i am a sweet baby”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.