Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

If a snake ate a cake

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Brands during Pride

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem