Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.