Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

There is no try. There is only give up.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Oh my god

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED