Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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Managing expectations
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*orders delivery*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child