Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.