Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you