Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.