Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

can you read it!!??

maan!

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.