Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
You Might Also Like
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Give a baker flours on your first date.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.