Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Just how popey was the pope today?

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?