Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Ummm
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are