Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.