Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

I feel attacked.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie