Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party