me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Still my favourite meme.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.