Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah