Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.