Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

I WON A HAM TODAY

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.