Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*checks Timeline*…
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
any last words?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting